Let the Sun Shine In

A Bit of an Update

2009-09-28T16:19:00.000-07:00

Well, I have been back to work since September 8, and it has gone very well. My daughter started daycare at the beginning of August... slowly but surely, she was integrated and she started there full time when I returned back to work. She is really happy there, and that makes me happy.

Our house is slowly coming along. In fact, they are now saying that it may even be ready ten days early. Wouldn't that be swell.

My daughter had her first birthday a week and a half ago. I cannot believe how quickly time flies! She is pretty much exclusively walking now, and she really is the sun, the moon and the stars to me.

Just me,

Porscha

The Little Birdie

2009-05-20T10:24:00.000-07:00

We are trying to sell our house right now, so when we have visits, I have to pack up my baby and my dog and find something to do outside of the house. Sometimes we go to the marina and look at the ducks and swing on the swings. Sometimes we go for a drive so my baby can sleep. Today's visit was between 11 am - 1 pm, and we went to my friend's house who lives just a few minutes away. I grabbed some takeout for myself on the way, and when we arrived at my friend's, I brought the dog to the back of her house so he could play outside. Then I let out my friend's dog to play with him. My baby and I had a nice time inside... we had lunch, played and looked at the cat.

As I was getting all my stuff together to leave, and doing multiple trips back and forth between the house and the truck, I noticed something on the ground along the cedars beside my friend's driveway. So I walked over, and there was a little bird there. Not super new, but not very old either. It had the starts of real feathers, but couldn't hold its wings out or its head up, and I could see it was struggling to breathe.

My friend doesn't have a landline, and I don't have a cell phone, so I went over to my friend's neighbour's to see if she knew who we could call to help out the little bird. Maybe 3-1-1 (the city) or the SPCA were my thoughts. She said she'd come over and see the bird, so she came over and thought that there was really nothing that could be done for the bird. She said she'd get a bag to pick up the bird to dispose of it. So while she went back to her place, I started to get a little emotional. When she returned, we talked a bit more about this little bird and exhausted any options we could think of to help it.

She picked up the little bird with a paper towel and turned it over (it had been face down) and it opened up its big beak because it was hungry. At this point, I started bawling my eyes out... huge huge tears, because I know the little guy was just starving and its momma must have gone out to get food and the bird got tossed out of the tree by the wind and the momma must have come back to the nest with one less little birdie in there. I told the neighbour that I know it's just a bird, but it's someone's baby. And she agreed with me, although she must have thought I was nuts.

We were able to find what may have been the bird's nest, but were unable to return the bird to it. The neighbour took the bird away so my dog and my friend's dog wouldn't get to it. And this little bird and its momma have been on my mind since. I wish there is something we could have done. Poor little birdie. Poor momma.

Just me,

Porscha

Kayleigh Anne Freeman 06/23/08 - 05/11/09

2009-05-19T05:45:00.000-07:00

Kayleigh's story is one that has touched me like no other. It has certainly made me think about and question my non-existing relationship with the God I don't actually believe in. Nonetheless, I have smiled and cried with the Freemans as they prepared for Kayleigh's arrival home, only to have to watch her leave and go to her eternal home in heaven.

Sunday was the memorial for Kayleigh, and her family released pink balloons in her honour with the following message:

It was actually supposed to read "Our One Pound Miracle from God", but I had forgotten the scrap piece of paper where I had written down what I was supposed to write at home, and wrote this particular tag from memory. If that made any sense.

Savannah and I went and released a balloon from Champlain Lookout in the Gatineau Park - certainly the closest place to heaven in our neck of the woods. I smiled as our balloon fought with the wind and tried with all its might to leave for the skies, and shed a tear as it soared up to the heavens. What an amazing thing, for sure!

I continue to think of dear Adam and Aimee and their children Allyson and Braydon, as well as sweet Kayleigh. I hope they continue to be strong as they adjust to their new 'normal' without sweet Kayleigh in their arms.

Just me,

Porscha

Out of Control

2009-05-10T18:44:00.000-07:00

I feel like everything in my life is out of control right now. Like I am not making any decisions, and everything that is happening to me is because it is expected of me. Like my husband expecting me to go to our camp next weekend. Even though I told him I am not interested in going, and that I am absolutely okay with him going on his own. There are just too many black flies out, and while I could maybe tolerate them, I don't want to soak my daughter in bug juice so that she can go, too. Like having to go back to work in September, even though I want to stay home with my daughter. And like having to put her into a daycare so I can go back to work. I am terrified of not being there for her. Of missing things. Of her being harmed by her daycare provider. I would never forgive myself if something happened to her. I don't think I can emotionally go back to work. I think it will make me physically ill. And I feel like my husband cares more about money than my emotional and physical well-being.

Just me,

Porscha

An addition to the Stellan name gallery

2009-03-31T15:02:00.001-07:00

Unfortunately it's not a great photo, but Stellan has travelled again. Paris the other day. Then the White House. And today he went to Ottawa, in particular the Parliament buildings. We didn't see the Prime Minister, but we did see the Peace Tower and we caught a glimpse of the Parliamentary Library, too.

If you'd like to view the Stellan name gallery, you can click on http://www.mycharmingkids.net/2008/08/eventually-these-photographs-will-be-in.html.

If you'd like to add your own photo to the name gallery, you can send it to stellansnamegallery@gmail.com.

I'm still hoping for a quick recovery for sweet Stellan.

Just me,

Porscha

Not Me! Monday - Stellan Style

2009-03-30T06:03:00.000-07:00

Welcome to Not Me! Monday! This blog carnival was created by MckMama. Usually you could head over to her blog at http://www.mycharmingkids.net to read what she and everyone else have not been doing this week, but this week is a special week since MckMama's youngest son, Stellan, has been in the hospital for the past week. This week, Not me! Monday will be "Stellan style".

So here it goes, my first Not Me! Monday:

I did not upload the first "Praying for Stellan" button/ photo to my Facebook to share his story and ask my 'friends' to pray for Stellan and his family. Which really is a special thing since I am not not an atheist.

I did not change my morning routine with my six-month-old to start the day, after her diaper change and nursing, with a trip to the computer to see how sweet Stellan has been doing; then having breakfast and playtime.

I did not not yet take my photo for the Stellan name gallery, but this will be my main thing to do today. A trip to Canadian parliament it will be, in lieu of a trip to the American one. I know I won't see the Prime Minister, but I will capture where he does his work :-)

I did not shed tears over seeing the first photo of Stellan in the hospital. It broke my heart to see his little red eyes. Please little MckMuffin, get well soon little buddy.

That's it for this week. Feel free to share what you did not do this week, too!

Just me,

Porscha

I Want to be the Village

2009-03-11T06:01:00.000-07:00

I know the old adage "It takes a village to raise a child". And I agree that there is probably some truth to it. But as my daughter nears six months old - halfway through my maternity/ parental leave - I am thinking more and more about how I am supposed to be heading back to work, and leave my precious daughter in the care of a stranger. I just can't do it.

I have told my husband a number of times now that I want to stay home and raise my daughter. I want to be the village. I need more ammunition to convince him that these months and early years with our daughter are more important than the tens of thousands of dollars I would be bringing in to our household. I can do without upgrades to the camp, the toys at the camp, going out for suppers, travelling to the east coast and even to visit our families... I can't 'do with' leaving someone else to pick up my daughter and comfort her when she hurts herself or is sick. I can't 'do with' someone else feeding her and teaching her songs and her ABCs and how to count and say 'I love you'. I'm her mommy. She has been the answer to my childhood dreams.

I would feel like a complete failure if I give her to someone else to raise. I won't be happy with only spending a half hour with her in the morning, and just supper and bathtime in the evening during the week, and then just having the pleasure of her company during the weekends. What would make me happy is knowing that all the good things and bad things that she learns will come from me. This is not at all to say that I would keep her isolated in our house. There are all sorts of mommy-baby playgroups that we can go to. There are free activities at the library and free access to the pool. And we have the wonderful great outdoors available to us.

I can do this. I just need a plan to present to my husband. And I need to stand firm that this is what is best for our family.

Just me,

Porscha

Let the Sun Shine In

2009-03-05T17:14:00.000-08:00

The song "Open Up Your Heart and Let the Sun Shine In" means a few different things to me. As a child, I only knew the chorus, and I thought it was mainly about being positive, optimistic and open. Upon looking up the entire lyrics to this song, however, there's a whole new meaning for me.

Something important to know about me is that I am an atheist. I grew up going to a Catholic school and celebrating Christmas, Easter and various saints days with my family. I've been baptized, confirmed and married in the Catholic church, and I have had my pumpkin baptized as well. I also teach her Christian morals. I go to church from time to time, especially since the birth of my daughter. Yet I am not a believer. And I am comfortable with this, even if it is a secret that I keep from some people. However, since becoming a mother, I have marvelled at how miraculous life is. And with reading about people's stories of suffering and loss, in particular of their children, and being amazed by their faith in God, well, sometimes I wonder if I really am a non-believer. I guess maybe I am becoming more 'open' to God. And I'm beginning to let the sun shine in.

Open Up Your Heart and Let the Sun Shine In

Mommy told me something
A little kid should know
It's all about the devil
And I've learned to hate him so
She said he causes trouble
When you let him in the room,
He will never ever leave you
If your heart is filled with gloom.

So let the sun shine in
Face it with a grin
Smilers never lose
And frowners never win
So let the sun shine in
Face it with a grin
Open up your heart
and let the sun shine in.

When you are unhappy
The devil wears a grin
But oh, he starts to running
When the light comes pouring in
I know he'll be unhappy
'Cause I'll never wear a frown
Maybe if we keep on smiling
He'll get tired of hanging 'round.

If I forget to say my prayers
The devil jumps with glee
But he feels so awful
When he sees me on my knees
So if you're full of trouble
And you never seem to win
Just open up your heart
and let the sun shine in.

So let the sun shine in
Face it with a grin
Smilers never lose
And frowners never win
So let the sun shine in
Face it with a grin
Open up your heart
And let the sun shine in.

Just me,

Porscha